Grief is a natural part of life, just like love, but we’re ill-prepared as humans and as a society to understand it and deal with it. James and Friedman founded a grief recovery institute before they wrote this handbook, and it’s clear to me they’ve worked with hundreds of individuals to move them through their grief journeys, with both empathy and knowledge.
This book starts small, allowing the reader to feel seen and understood. Grief is devastating and difficult, and the candor and honesty of these chapters is incredibly cathartic. None of us have been taught what to say when someone dies. When we want to comfort others who are in pain, the canned statements like “don’t be sad, they’re in a better place” are not helpful or healing, and in fact, they’re mostly hurtful.
The action program begins about a third of the way through the book, with homework assignments to be undertaken sequentially. And it’s not just the death of someone close that James and Friedman discuss, but also the death of a pet, divorce, loss of health, retirement, growing up with alcoholic parents, and even moving.
I read a few self-help books on grief after the recent death of one of my parents, and this one is by far the most impactful, as the focus is on the work you put in. It provides a simple actionable process. The hard part is sitting with your feelings — and likely crying a lot (or not, which is ok too). I took six months to read this book, taking breaks, re-reading chapters, being gentle with myself, focusing on taking one step at a time, because I was so easily overwhelmed by emotions.
I don’t think this is a perfect book. The authors are both older white men, so the perspective and examples are traditional, western, and male. I think joining a specific grief support group is likely helpful if that works for you, but the authors strongly argue against doing so. I also wouldn’t read this if the grief event is rape, which they do discuss but which seems to me would require an entirely different journey. As mentioned above, these guys founded an institute for grief, so they are ridiculously rigid in their methodology, which is annoying but easy enough to ignore.
But all that said, I will recommend this book to all of my friends and family who have recently lost someone. I found it incredibly helpful in my own grief journey, in addition to talking to a therapist, journaling and writing poetry, and seeking connection in close friends and family. Your life and grief journeys are your own, but I think this is a good book to try when you’re in the thick of it.